“Your love never fails, it never gives up, it never runs out on me”

If there is one thing I desire to pound into my children during their lives, it is this “I will ALWAYS love you” NO MATTER WHAT, I will always be there for you. I want my children to be confident in my unconditional love. I was raised knowing that no matter what I did, or didn’t do, I would always have that safe place to go to. I can offer that love to my children because I have known that love, both form my parents and my heavenly Father.

A lot of things have changed for us since Zayd was born. Tyce had an adjustment phase of about a week where he wouldn’t look at me, or let me hold him. He quickly recovered from that and has now grown into the – I want to see, feel, and smother the baby with kisses phase – where he pretty much mauls him until I rescue the poor child. He is jealous, but only in small spurts that are quickly resolved. Addisyn, is a whole other story. She did so wonderful the first three weeks. Then, the demanding, fit-throwing, inconsolable, two-year old that I thought was long gone quickly resurfaced. She has started having accidents again, refusing to speak and only talk baby talk, and throwing grand fits of screaming and inconsolable tears.

Today was no exception. Wednesdays are always crazy days for our household. Addisyn (3) has mothers day out from 9-2 followed by dance class at 4pm and wraps up with church at 7pm. I usually try to get grocery shopping or cleaning or something big done on Wed mornings because I’m down one child. I got done with my errands early and decided to get Addisyn and lay her down for a nap before dance. She was not having that at all, and ended up whining/crying in her bed instead of sleeping. Dance went better than I had expected, then dinner came. Chick-fil-A is our go-to place when we don’t have time for making dinner. The play place usually provides enough entertainment to keep both Addisyn and Tyce happy while I actually get to shove a few bites down in peace. It makes the trek inside carrying the car seat on one arm, the diaper bag on one shoulder, Tyce on the other hip and Addisyn following behind almost worth it. Addisyn is normally a good eater, but tonight she hardly touched her food. So, when it came to ice cream, Tyce got one and she didn’t. I offered her several chances to eat her chicken, and every time she refused. When it came time to leave, she realized that she really wasnt going to get any ice cream. Cue grand maul meltdown….. in the middle of Chick-fil-A….. while I am standing there holding the diaper bag, the car seat, my one yr old, and a drink….. while the whole world looks at me with partial pity, partial shame for being the worst mother and letting her three-year old scream like a banshee.

It was so humiliating.

“Your love never fails, it never gives up, it never runs out on me”

Sometimes I wonder if the Lord feels the way that I did standing in the middle of Chick-fil-A. I wonder if he is disappointed in our life choices, when time after time he gives us the opportunity to experience the reward. All we have to do is eat the chicken nugget. But our stubbornness prevents us from doing what is good for us because we believe we know better. The reward is there, we know it exists, but refuse to do the work to earn it. When the inevitable happens and time has finally run its course, we kick and scream and throw a fit because of the ‘injustice’ of God not giving us “our” reward, as if it’s entitled to us, not a bonus.

I’ve been there. I can specifically remember the fits I have thrown because I deserved something. When do we realize that He has our best interest at heart all along. I wanted to give Addisyn the ice cream. Nothing in this world makes me feel the way her happiness does. I would do anything to see that little girl smile. But not at the expense of her character. It’s my job to train and teach her, not simply bow to her every desire to make her happy. It’s her job to be the child and trust that I will take care of her. When will I realize that it is my job to simply trust that He will take care of me.

“Your love never fails, it never gives up, it never runs out on me”

And maybe next time, I’ll just eat the nugget.