I enrolled my baby in k3 this week. She will begin her schooling on august 22nd. She will go three days a week from 8-3. I think I’m just now realizing how impacting this is on my life.

She is my everything. My firstborn- the one who changed my world. I never thought I could love that strongly- that deeply, that fiercely. I would kill for her, or die for her. I adore how she says Mommy, even when she says it eighty times a day and I want to change my name! I love how when she gets hurt now, she runs to me to kiss it- then pray for it. I love how she is so helpful with her brothers. Just the other day, she spent about an hour playing with Tyce, just helping him pick up toys in his room. She cheered him on every step of the way. I love her laugh- the real one- not the one she uses when she’s trying to get attention. I love how she says “Mommy, can you do me a favor?” I love how I can pretty much tell you what she will do in any given situation.

She is three now, and I have spent 98 percent of her life with her. She has spent a handful of nights away from me. She goes wherever I go most of the time. She is my shadow. As she has gotten older, she gets to go to Mammy’s or Aunt Shana’s occasionally. But, the majority of her life, I have seen firsthand. I was there for the first crawl, the first step, the first tooth, haircut, boo boo, smile, laugh, food, bath. Everything.
And now, she will be spending three days a week away from me. Three days. It seems like an eternity. That’s almost half of her week.

Some people must think I’m insane- but I love my job. I love that I get to be witness to my kids firsts. I love to be the one they run to- or from. I love the mundane of teaching them to speak, or how to use their manners. My kids are a reflection of me. They are my pride and joy. They are my first priority and my highest calling.

I have thought long and hard about putting her in school. And yes, it is a school, with a curriculum, not a day care. I have always been set against letting someone else raise my kids. Just a personal preference- I want to be the primary influence on their lives. But I have come to the devastating conclusion that I am no longer enough for Addisyn. She is getting so big, so smart, and so thirsty for knowledge. I have two small children that take up so much of my time and attention, I can’t give Addisyn the curriculum or one on one teaching time she needs. I can’t cultivate the hunger she has for learning. It’s my job to make sure that she gets every chance. I want her to excel in all she does. I want her to strive for greatness.

So, this week, I put aside my personal issues. I refuse to let guilt keep me from giving my daughter what she needs. I am a strong, capable woman, and admitting that I need help for my three year old does not diminish that, but all the more proves it. I hate that I won’t be the one who watches her do all her new firsts. I hate that I don’t have the time or talent to teach her these new things. I hate that I can’t always be with her. But it’s now time to start letting go- a little at a time. She is still only three and I will still be her hero. I will still be the one she runs to after school. I will still be the constant in her life. Through many tears and even more prayer, this is the path we have chosen for her. I have 7 more weeks to resign myself to the reality of it. But His mercies are new every morning. I plan on using those!