Quiet- peace and quiet. Oh how I love the sound of nothing. I have almost forgotten what it’s like.

It’s day 3 of my mini vacation and my brother had to work today. Thankfully, it’s just a half-day so he should actually be back soon. But this morning has offered me a unique gift – alone time. Zayd woke up bright and early at 6:15. Normally he sleeps well past 7, but with us in the same room- once he sees me- there’s no turning back. We spent the morning re-packing for our trip to Phoenix today where we will have a blast at a water park before our long voyage home on Tuesday night. Zayd was getting restless about 8:30, so I decided to lay him down again. At home he takes a morning nap about two hours after waking and then another afternoon nap. This trip he has been lucky to get one nap a day- partly due to a new environment and partly to the fact that we’ve been out and about.

He is soundly sleeping now and I am left with my thoughts. This trip has afforded me alone time with my youngest that naturally does not occur in our everyday life. I have grown closer to him than just last week. And boy have I learned some things I didn’t know. This child is attached to me- not abnormally attached, just far more attached than my other two children. He is usually strapped to me in the Boba- mostly out of necessity. He is rarely allowed to walk because that requires three hands, and well- I’m not a mutant super-mom. Also, because he is so close to his siblings in age- they are his comfort zone. He is used to chaos and noise and lots of activity. However, he is cautious in new environments. I have thought over and over how he would react if his siblings were here. That child really feeds off of his siblings. It’s so funny to see him timid- that’s not usually an emotion I ascribe to him when we’re home.

I am so utterly grateful for that little mans life. He is my sweet, sweet surprise. A child I never asked for, but oh so desperately needed. His mere existence has rocked my world in a way I know has Gods to get prints all over it.

You see, before Zayd I was quite concerned with how things (life, home, children) SHOULD be. I got caught up in being the perfect mother with the perfectly dressed children and perfectly clean house who is always on time and looks good and cooks well and…. You name it, I required myself to do it. No one else put that on me- my husband never asked for a continually clean house and home cooked meals daily bought with coupon-purchased produce. My kids never asked me to make sure they looked meticulous before showing up in public. God doesn’t require us to have children who never throw fits or scream or cry at inappropriate times. It was me-I had this idea that I was going to control life.
Then came Zayd. He shattered my very hope, my every dream of controlling life. I had two children that I handled very well- a bit strong-willed my oldest is, but none the less, manageable.

Enter pregnancy number three with a 5 month old and a 27 month old.
I am not one of those women who find out they are pregnant at 12 weeks or 8 weeks or even 6 weeks. No- I start throwing up about 3 weeks along. Which usually means about a week of vomiting before even getting a positive pregnancy test. I had actually scheduled a dr appointment to test my thyroid and other things because I thought I was just sick- I took tests for 10 days. The day before the dr appt- I got two lines.

To say I was scared was an understatement. I was terrified. How would this work into my plans. Financially, physically, emotionally, work-wise?!?! I was a mess. It took me about a week to tell my husband- he had made it very clear that he did not want any more children any time soon. But by the time I told him, he already knew. It is a little hard to hide emergency trips to the bathroom 5-6 times a day.

It took 23 weeks to get over the “morning” (midday, evening, middle-of-the night) sickness. Looking back, I see how God was stripping me of my comfort zone little by little. It wasn’t as if I wanted to let things go- I literally physically could NOT do them. I would come home most days after work and never leave the couch except to feed my little ones and make a couple trips to the porcelain throne. My life became less about being perfect and more about surviving the day and most days it was surviving the minutes. I couldn’t even think about the whole day.
I was defeated- I felt like a failure as a mother and wife. Yet day after day, my hubby came home to clean up the kitchen, bring me anything I found even remotely stomach-able, and to assure me that everything would be ok.

You see, God has a way of taking the things we think are our prized possession and reminding us that everything we have is his. He also was reminding me that I was His and that nothing happens by chance or coincidence or “accident”.
Zayd was planned before the foundation of the world. And his existence has marked me for life. His life has impacted mine in such a deep way that I believe could never have happened without his surprise arrival.

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God swept me off of my feet and taught me that things don’t have to be perfect. He never calls us to be perfect, he commands us to “Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds. For you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work that you may be mature and complete- not lacking anything.” -James 1:2-4 He wants us not to lack but be mature and complete- not to be without mistakes or without sin. “There is NONE righteous, no not one” -Romans 3:10

I consider myself a work in progress- as is anyone on their road called life. I will never arrive- nor will life ever be able to be controlled by my will. My children will not act the way I want and desire them to on a daily basis- but, my friends, thats the journey.
I’m still learning how to let go of the ‘not-so-important’ things that I tend to place importance on. But like a quote I once heard- “I’m not where I want to be, but I’m sure not where I was!”

So here’s a big thank you to my littlest man who rocked my world- you are such a joy and light in my life and seeing you daily reminds me that Gods plans are so much bigger and better for our lives than ours are. I pray I continue to sacrifice my will to his. I love you Zayd!

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