There’s his Ache in my soul. It’s always there, but there are moments when it’s more obvious than others. Moments when normal things in life that should be no big deal tend to send the ache into overdrive. Moments when simple, sweet posts on Instagram being tears to my eyes before my mind can even comprehend them. 

Like this-   

Or this

 

There’s no way anyone could ever know the intensity of the ache that this brings. Or when just the other day I got a wrong text from someone asking how things with my sister were going. Then a quick- sorry, wrong person. 

 

It’s not like people knowingly do these things, but it doesn’t take the sting away. 

I find myself retreating when the Ache is fresh, when it’s tangible and overwhelming and sits on my chest like a 500 pound weight making it hard to inhale. There are dreams where this reality doesn’t exist and things are the way they should be until sunrise shatters my illusion and my focus once again becomes clear. 

It’s painful. 

It’s exhausting. 

It drives me to shut out all the other Things that are less than important. It drives me to embrace those that truly are. It forces me to once again reevaluate my priorities and ignore the Loud that tries to win my attention by giving voice to the Quiet that deserves my attention. 

It causes me to come inside myself. Not in depression or in self pity, but in a way that says to the World- you’re not important now. My People, my Family, my Babies, They are important. 

  
The ache may seem like a negative. But in ways, it’s forced me to be more decisive. To be more selective. To be less inclusive. 
We only have so much time here. We only have so many minutes, or hours or days. We only get one chance here on earth. “Yet you do not know what your life will be like tomorrow. You are just a vapor that appears for a little while and then vanishes away.” (‭James‬ ‭4‬:‭14‬ NASB) I will only raise my babies once- I pray I GET to raise my babies once. Because I know someone who is gone and her babies aren’t quite raised. It sets new parameters on what is ok to let go of.

  
There are times when I say yes to a lot. When I embrace the Things and I enjoy them. Then there are times when the Things must wait. 
In this time- when the ache is strong and the void seems vast- I cling to my Hope. I bring my people in so close I can hear their hearts beat. I lay in my babies room after they are sound asleep and listen to their breath. I watch their chest rise and fall. I snuggle close to my husband and lean into his arms. I cherish the moments. Because time is promised to no one. 

  
The Ache is a constant reminder to me of what’s to come. It’s uncomfortable and raw. Some would rather hide it or deny it. But to me- as much as it is devastation, it is Joy. As much as it is oppressive, it is Peace. As much as it is hurtful, it is Hopeful. Laura Story says it this way “the pain reminds this heart, that this is not our home.”   

The Ache is a promise of fulfillment and joy and love and peace beyond comprehension. My Ache is a daily reminder of her current comfort
I’m still learning to live with it. Just know in the grief there is healing. In the Ache, there is Hope. In the tears, there is still the promise. 
So hold onto the Ones that matter tighter tonight. Let them stay up late and watch TV in your room. Let them eat ice cream and Oreos. Make life more about living and less about have-to’s. Do things because you want to. Love like you mean it. 

  

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