So, I have this problem with writing. Well, in life in general, but let’s just stick to my issues with writing. I love to write. I love to put my pen to paper (or fingers to a keyboard, thumbs to a phone) and type out all the feelings and things in life. It feels good to get it out. 

So, what’s the issue? Umm… I’m glad you asked… I like to write about good things. Sometimes I write about hard things, yes. But they usually have a good twist to them. A happy ending. A life parallel where I can either squeeze out some good example or feel some sense of accomplishment. 

I don’t like writing about the hard. The messy. The difficult. 

Not in the midst of it. 

I can easily hash out the story when it’s over- The horrors of the middle of the story pour out as long as there’s an ending that is satisfying. 

I like things neat and tied up with a sweet bow. I don’t like to bring up the uncomfortable without a solution. An answer. At least a lesson that has been learned. 

Which is why I haven’t blogged in forever. I can’t seem to find the words or get to the happy ending just yet. 

I feel very much In The Middle of the Hard, the Messy and the Unreconciled. There’s no- this WAS the problem, but it’s fixed now. 

Nope. I’m sitting right in the middle of the messy and I don’t know how or if or when this will all work out. 

But maybe, just maybe, I’m not the only one. 

Maybe there are others out there who are smack in the middle of the story. Where they don’t see the end and they haven’t tasted any satisfaction of completion in a while. Maybe there’s a whole bunch of us out there living in the middle of the Messy. 

Maybe instead of waiting to write about the tidy and neat and complete- I should just put pen to paper anyway and see what comes out. 

Maybe in the midst of the learning and growing and messing up and stumbling… Maybe there’s beauty in that too. 

Because I read in the Word that even though I’m in the midst of my struggle- there’s one that existed that already fought the battle and won. Because He says in his word that he is working all things out for MY good. Because He says he takes ashes and gives beauty. He sees my mourning and He is waiting with Joy.

He sees my struggle- my want to give him all the mess and then two seconds later demanding that I can do this on my own- and yet, He still loves. He still waits and He still desires to draw me close. 

Maybe my perfectionism isn’t just caging me, but what if it’s keeping someone out there from hearing the words they need to hear. What if the whole world doesn’t care that I’m messy and not perfect because they aren’t either. Maybe, they would rather have real and raw and unfiltered. Maybe my head has it wrong. Maybe people aren’t repulsed by the middle of the story. Maybe they aren’t uncomfortable without a happy ending. Maybe they just want to know that in the midst of the story- He is present. When I am grieving and seeking and wanting an answer- He is there. He is guiding me and leading me- even when I just want to know the end. He is patient and loving – all the things I want to be. 

He sees beauty in the middle of the story. He doesn’t look away and wish I was whole. He holds me in my brokenness and invites me to see that without Him, I’ll never find whole. He is whole. And for now, that’s all I need. 
“But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.”              ‭‭2 Corinthians‬ ‭12:9‬ ‭ESV‬‬

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” John 16:33