Three toddlers. Two in diapers. Cloth diapers. So many tears. So many sleepless nights. Most of Zayd’s first year was just surviving. I know a ton of people say “if I could go back, I’d cherish it more” I’d like to say that. But, I can’t. I loved it. I cherished it. I relished every hug, every mispronounced word, every kiss, every step.

I also had hard days. Where all I wanted was to sleep. By myself. With no interruptions. I cried because I wasn’t doing it right. Then I cried when I got some things right. I drove the oldest to dance every week and wrangled her brothers for an hour- sometimes, having to retreat to the car because of screaming fits or overtired boys.

I loved it. And I would love to do it again. But, the thing I’ve learned the most by looking back, is to be in the moment. To cherish the now. To love the stage you’re in. Which is hard for me since my kiddos are in very challenging stages for me.

Babies. Babies are easy for me. Feeding, holding, changing, bathing. I got that. It was natural to me.

This stage of elementary school where fights with friends and grades and teachers and navigating the actual world is challenging. They have their own ideas and make their own choices- sometimes to their detriment and I can’t fix it. They listen- but not enough. Or they listen to the wrong thing and focus on the wrong thing.

But this stage won’t last forever. It will pass into a more independent stage. Into the stage where they start choosing their friends without my input. Where they are finding out who they are in the midst of this broken and harsh world.

I don’t know how it all slipped through my fingers so fast. But, I don’t look back and wish I would have cherished more. I look back and I’m thankful for the time I had. The times that it was easy. The times that it was impossibly draining, but so very, very worth it.

And I know that is still true. Even when I feel I am ill-equipped for this job. I know that it’s both impossibly draining and exceptionally worth it.

I’m trying to embrace this stage. To like it. But, I also realize I don’t have to like it to be present. I don’t have to have it come easy to be present. I may not be good at this stage, but I can be what they need. I can and always will be their biggest fan and their loudest supporter.(Just ask their soccer coaches)

I can be present and choose to cherish the moments when I see them make the right decision. I can also cherish the moments when they make mistakes- ones with lasting consequences. Because consequences are a part of life and I can still be their safe place to land.

I pray that my life reflects what is important. I pray that I can be the example they need. I pray that even my mistakes point them to the grace that God gives freely, daily. I pray that perfection isn’t what they see. I pray they a Momma who tries, and fails daily, to walk in the footsteps on Jesus.

So, today, I will stop and relish those moments. The ones where Tyce goes to find his brothers shoes in the morning and the ones where Addisyn makes breakfast for herself- and her siblings. The moments when they try and fail. The moments when they disobey. The moments that they score the goal, or give the assist. I will chose to relish the stage I’m in, even when I don’t love it.

Frustration will still happen. Tears will flow freely in my household, that’s not going to change. But, when I look back at the pictures I took today. I hope I still know that I did cherish it. That I did live in the present. That I did my best and they did too.